Freefall

Falling down, down and down

From above the clouds

Jumping down from a cliff

I wanna loose control

I wanna leave the resistance

and embrace the flow with acceptance

Closing my eyes

Feeling the wind against my cheeks

So wonderful the feeling

I want to experience

So as to loose control

descending with a free-fall.

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A walk through my diary

Come,
I will take you in a walk
through the pages of my diary.
Here this is the first page that I wrote when I fell,
when I fell in love with you.
Deep and dense.
Raw and intense.
All the hues suddenly turned so bright,
but still I saw the,
dark and sultry red.
Red,
they say is the color of love,
Only they forgot that it’s the color of danger too.
Well nevermind,
we can wrap that as human error.
Be cautious!
For the next coming pages
might overwhelm you,
for there are raw emotions at its best.
For the first time I realized,
words are not enough to express,
for all of it was so ripe and juicy,
warm and cozy,
light and breezy.
There, right there,
take a closer look
Yes! that’s my heart ❤
Remember it
for you might be interested to see
what’s in last pages.
Oops! Beware!
for that’s the bump,
it emerged when we first fought.
You were so mad,
you shouted,
you yelled,
you screamed,
you fought bad,
threw tantrums,
you didn’t even notice,
that it was one of my special day,
you turned that day to an utter grey.
A day on which,
I was supposed to be dazzling of happiness,
I was dulled and drowned in sadness.
Later you came up with just a sorry.
That’s it!
Is that what you are capable of,
Saying sorry and not meaning a letter of it.
Would that sorry bring back that day?
or would it bring back any of the lost days?
As days and days passed,
so were my affection and love
kept piling up into a castle of glass.
Finally after a long wait
we met,
we laughed,
we giggled,
I felt the butterflies in my belly,
and I acted all silly.
Blind and lost,
I couldn’t see the obvious most.
As the moments flew
I thought I would connect more to you,
know more of you,
but you were still at a distance.
I tried to bridge the gap
but I didn’t have your heart map.
So I asked you
to think it all over again
but you were so adamant
and followed the lane.
Blind and deaf
of the emotions
even I didn’t think twice
for this was the first love.
I agreed to walk with you,
a walk to nowhere.
I was so mad for you
I crossed hills and valleys and queue.
You seemed like a distant dream
and I kept following you.
Each day
the castle of glass would appear a new crack
and I tried to fix it with glue,
didn’t even see
your tainted heart,
for you were already
building another castle anew.
Slowly dripping into the
abyss of mixed emotions
when I couldn’t carry it anymore,
I shared it all with you,
scared you were
suddenly you withdrew
and in the following days
you went farther and further away.
Whenevr I’d catch up to you
you would scar me more
accusing me for the things
that I didn’t do
but you made me felt like I did.
You shattered that castle
and blamed it on me.
In the verdict
appeared my name
but what for?
for the crime that you commit!
I was left alone.
Stirred and shaken.
I felt breathless,
I felt numb.
You would appear day and night
in my thoughts,
in my dreams,
24X7.
I called you
I texted you
but never came the reply.
You made me feel unwanted,
guilty,
and what not.
I was thin as paper
hollow as a hole.
Struck by the emptiness and vacancy
I couldn’t differentiate
the dream and the reality,
for both had you,
and you.
Of all my days of existence
this was the time
when getting reminded of you
even my heart
forgot to beat
I felt a blackhole
inside of me,
sucking in everything
that I have and had,
it all seemed an end to me
the sounds fell silent,
vision all blurred,
smell all lost,
taste buds froze,
and I feel no more.

ddd

Side by Side

In darkness and in light
I’ll be there with you
Walking side by side

Past the shadows
And the dark silhouettes.
In the pitch dark
That scares you
And scarred you the most.
I promise I’ll be there
In all those void
Holding your hands
Walking side by side.

If you see an eerie aisle
And you turn cold
And can see no more.
Just grab my hand tighter
And feel the warmth of my breath
And the beats of my heart
For I am there with you
Even in that blindness.

Don’t worry o’ dear
This sickening black will fade
And the light will come
And promise me one thing
When the transparency come
You will still hold my hand
Because for me
There is nothing as scary as such
Than the lose of ur touch
Because I love you so much.

Losing

Its a loop in which I am running again and again,
I find no way to the end.
It seems I have reached the final phase,
But to my disappointment I am still lost in a maze.
Am trying hard to solve the jigsaw,
But all the efforts still raw.
The journey now seem so tiring
Faith and hope is what am losing.
The shadows now are turning into darkness,
All dreams into dust,
Lost is all that I once found,
I am still running circles round and round.
When will I find the hidden?
When will I get the solution?
When will I reach the end?
Better not too late,
I am drowning in a quicksand.

I saw

Its a long time since I am wearing this facade

Its such a long time that I even forgot that its just  mask

In my conscious oblivion I steadily accepted it as my face

I was glad that I belonged somewhere and was not left out

I liked observing the people and their lives

If world’s  a stage than I  am the happy audience

I watched the joy, sadness, excitement, jealousy, love,hatred

I watched it all closely and intently for quite a long time

I saw it, the departing of loved at stations and airports

I saw the tearful departure of friends for future

I saw the love buds growing and blooming

I saw the young guy trying to make up for the fight to his girlfriend

I saw the love wrecking apart the lives of loves

I saw the life pass by

Life which was mine, it was just passing away

Lately have I realized that I am the only audience

So engrossed was I in watching that I forgot to live

And that I am letting my life getting blown away

Suddenly it has fallen onto me with a great thud

The realization that what am I trying to be or get?

Suddenly I get aware of the facade that I am wearing

It isn’t me

Whom am I hiding from?

What is it that I am running from?

Why have I turned my vibgyor spectrum into shades of gray?

Why is it that I have dimmed my resilient brilliance to a dusk light?

Why am I letting me be just an observer?

Why am I letting my seasons pass away?

Fall

I am falling into the dark abyss
Deep down deep under
Down and down I fall
There seems no end to this depth
As I am falling and falling
With no stop
I tried to grab onto something
I found nothing but empty space
I am terrified of the impact of fall
I am terrified that I might injure myself beyond repair
What then?
Another motionless wait for the eternity of nothingness
Yet another fall with no end
And here I fall.

A walk in darkness

It is through the darkness that I am walking
All that lies ahead of me is darkness
I see nothing but black
But I am walking
Knowing not whether I’ll falter,slip or fall
Till now I’ve bumped several times
Each time picking myself up
And walking ahead
Many bruises, cuts and wounds are there
Some healed, some healing and some still fresh
I feel the pain searing inside me
But its not enough to kill me
All I know for now is that I am walking
In the darkness, into the black
But I am walking.

My shadow

I see ahead of me – my shadow
Dark and black
It’s mocking at me
Mimicking my moves
I try to run away from it
But it never goes away
It follows me everywhere
Haunting me
Tormenting me
Laughing at me
I changed places
I changed appearances
Camouflaging myself
Trying to hide myself
But it’s never deceived
It recognizes me, finds me
Ridiculing me at my failed attempts
I try to hide away in other’ s shadows
I try to hide in darkness
Only to find myself failed
And my shadow in succeeding
To push me to the darkness

Value of Moments

An immense joy I get

when I look back.

A smile as big as I can give

comes to my face

that it hurts

but that feeling,

such a bliss,

cherishing the memories.

Makes me feel

if I could hold back the time.

Its not possible I know.

Those times never

seemed so happy

at that time,

but now I feel

as if those were the happiest.

A sudden fear has befallen.

A fear of losing the present time,

that some day

in future

today will become yesterday

and i’ll be again feeling nostalgic,

but thats okay.

That’s how life is

meant to be,

to pass and go,

to save and share memories,

to move and create

new ones,

so that there is no stagnance,

so that there is no routine,

so that there are imprints of past

that will be cherished in future,

for that little smile

and a tingling feeling,

for us to realize

the value of each moment.